AtomGrieving Believers and Believers Grieving
“But we do not want you to be uninformed, brothers and sisters, about those who have died, so that you may not grieve as others do who have no hope. For since we believe that Jesus died and rose again, even so, through Jesus, God will bring with him those who have died.” 1 Thessalonians 4:13-14
The coffee’s not doing it these days. I have been weary. I seem to need a nap now and again to get through the day! There may be a number of things, I suppose…
The coffee’s not doing it these days. I have been weary. I seem to need a nap now and again to get through the day! There may be a number of things, I suppose…moving deeper into my 50’s, having teenager hours around the house, or trying to make that final decision on where Kelsey is going to college next year. But I have a hunch that it also has to do with grief. In my work over the years with families who have experienced loss, I have learned and often remind others that “you will be more tired” in the days and months after the death of your loved one. In my head I know this, of course, but I personally hadn’t experienced in quite the way I have following my mother’s death.
Part of the weariness has to do with the prolonged illness leading to the end. But even those who lose loved ones suddenly and “without warning” have a weariness in the weeks that follow. I reflect on this here to first give “permission” to those of you feeling such weariness in your life. You are not losing it! And the weariness may not be only about a death; there are other losses and disappointments that wear us down. I thereby give permission to “take naps” (as if you needed my permission), if this helps, and encourage you to call upon friends to have a cup of coffee with you; I encourage you to pray and to draw upon not only the Lord’s provision but also the resource of sisters and brothers in the faith. And I encouragement you to seek medical help if the weariness persists. Grief is hard work and it takes time. Here are some things I have learned about the “stages” of grief. Not everyone experiences these in the same way; everyone has their own way of grieving, but generally grief follows these patterns:
Early Grief is what occurs when you initially find out about the death. The reality of what has happened is not yet registered. You experience such things as shock and numbness, or denial and even anger.
Acute Grief is the most difficult of intervals. A variety of emotions come to the surface. The loss is now real, but realization is often accompanied by pangs of intense yearning, spasms of distress, tearful and/or uncontrolled sobbing, restlessness, insomnia, preoccupation with thoughts of the loved one, or a constant sense of their presence. You may experience a decrease in your ability or desire to function day to day. At the depth of grief you may experience depression. It takes effort and perseverance to get beyond this very painful point and you may need help.
Subsiding Grief is the ability to endure and recuperate from the painful Acute Grieving stage and accept the fact that you must ‘get on with life.’ You begin to: create new life patterns in the absence of your loved one. You find reasons to go on living by reinvesting your interest and energy in new things; and adjust to a new life style. Caution: those who try to suppress or avoid the stages above may never reach this significant interval.
Finally, be patient with yourself. Give yourself permission to grieve. Think of grief this way: the death of your loved one is a physical wound where grief is the healing of that wound. Just like a physical wound heals, you will heal – from the inside out. There may be some scars of woundedness that are always visible. But avoiding grief is avoiding healing. You can’t do it.
Again I share these things as an encouragement to you and a reminder that if you need help in working through these things or want to talk with someone, do call. We try to keep track of the grieving in the congregation, but sometimes we need you to call and say, “Can we talk?” We are glad to meet with you and pray with you…and maybe share a cup of coffee.
And…thanks again for your encouragement and for your prayers for me and my family as we are making our own journey through grief. It makes a difference!
Learning and growing with you…
Pastor Wade
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